All I want is sleep

I took lorazepam in 2011 and I had about a dozen pills left from my last prescription from back then, I have been taking them & now they’re all finished but they’re definitely still in my system. I feel foggy but also there is this calmness where everything is dreamy and all I have to do is to submit to that feeling and for a few hours the anger and pain dissipate, I cannot feel but I know those emotions are there lurking somewhere in my psyche.

I am trying to soilder on even though it feels like there is water stuck in my throat like I am literally drowning. I repeatedly purged until I could see  those familiar streaks of red in the sink.

At my worst when the hideous emotions really surface I think of my mum and my brother and I cry harder because I feel guilty and ungrateful that I am this way, they deserve so much better.

Earlier tonight I was a wreck, I’m okay now. Will drift off to a deep sleep that these pills are making possible.

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