The in-between

Some days are better than others and today was alright, it was a typical Saturday: restriction, watch sport, eat fruit and drink sprite zero. Yesterday was an epic fail stuffing my face with bread and peanut butter and eating coco pops straight from the box then washing them down with hot chocolate (who does that?), it was an uncontrollable feeding frenzy that ended up with me purging up to 5 times the whole day and as if I hadn’t filled myself with more guilt than one could bear I later stuffed my face with chocolate chip cookies and chocolate while watching films in bed, promising myself that when the clock struck 12 midnight I would restrict like no other.

It’s just after midnight and technically it’s Sunday, I am ravenous  & I don’t think I can restrict any longer, I have a migraine and my feet hurt this is pms I’m sure of it, I swear I feel as though I have my cycle every 2 weeks or something. My cycle is messed up, with each relapse with anorexia when my period would go away every time it came back it was a totally different experience, now I get horrible horrible menstrual cramps, it’s a lot heavier, erratic & it’s worrying. I lost my period during what I think are the “most important stages of body  development” 12-15 then 17-19 & who knows how much damage was done. This is just one example of the effects of an ED, my body will never be the same but I don’t get to cry about it because it’s already done what I can do is to prevent further damage by not perpetuating the same habits, the tools to do that are already in place but just because they are there doesn’t mean recovery is a done deal.

There is sea of eating disorder recovery stories out there but one that touched me the most is the story of Shaye boddington
I have been following Shaye’s stories/tips of life after recovery and frequent her website a lot, it has recovery tools and people share their ED stories. Her story grabbed my attention because Shaye was a bulimic for a decade and somehow she managed to recover. Like me she had worries that maybe her ED had ruined her body to the point of not being able to have children but years after recovery after having that fear of infertility marinate in her mind for years she now is actually expecting, I have never met this woman but I am so happy for her, it gave me hope and made me worry less. It gave me bucketfulls of hope, nothing is impossible if you really think about it & force yourself to accept it.

When reading recovery stories it all seems like a myth, my reaction towards recovery is always absolute cynicism. I have never known normal eating, I ate too much as child then when I became conscious of my size  I started to eat nothing and the eating disorder(s) came to be, I have never known the in-between state. I have to actually learn not relearn & you know what they say about teaching an old dog new tricks.


3 thoughts on “The in-between

  1. Man I really feel for you. I know that feeling of saying I’ll restrict even more but it just makes the present even more crazier.

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