I can’t stop purging

I feel like I am stuck  in some of sort of time space where everything is infinitely recurring.These habits are getting more and more out of hand and this disorder is slowly but surely killing me, I am sprinting towards death if I allow this to continue. Where is my willpower for goodness sake and I definitely misplaced my will to live because a person who wants life would not act like this, how dare I rob myself of laughter,  I am afraid and alone.

I can’t stop purging but I must, each time I purge it feels like I am on the verge of making my throat collapse, the more I purge the more my throat feels like it’s pushing to the back of my mouth. I am so afraid of what’s going on so much so my throat has been involuntarily closing up before purging, it’s the strangest feeling. Dizzy spells that make me lose my memory & falling asleep each time I sit down- if hell had a face mine would be it… I look terrible and feel worse. I should stop purging and I have as of earlier this afternoon, once again I am no longer allowed the luxury to binge and purge all I want…. Well at least for now.

Thing are dangling in the air waiting to be done, I have no desire to do them.

One thing I am feeling good about are my moods, I feel happy for longer then there are those moments where I want to breakdown but for now it’s bearable at least there’s that.

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9 thoughts on “I can’t stop purging

    • It’s straight up falling asleep not passing out, I’m not talking to anyone or seeing any professional… this blog is my only outlet but I’m looking seeing a counsellor just waiting for my medical aid to get sorted so. Thanks Bendy mind hope you’re doing alright over there.

      • Poor thing, well after my episode people have been bugging me about getting more support so I thought I’d ask :/ I remember when I first stumbled on your blog over a year ago, boy has things changed… Look after yourself dear!

  1. I know I don’t know you, but I’m worried..it sounds like the disorder is taking over and you deserve so much more than to be going through all this. All us ED sufferers do! Please try to open up to someone about the extent of your struggles with ED right now. It can get better slowly but surely!

    • I am amazed everyday how moved I am by stranger’s ED journeys, the relapses, the triumphs & fears and sometimes I cry when I resonate with what they are saying & I worry about them too. I’m sorry you’re suffering too, EDs are really something else in the way they latch on and never let go… us the sufferers are the ones who have to pry open the giant hands of EDs & release ourselves. I will put my shame aside and try to talk to someone, thank you for your thoughtful comment. I hope you’re having a good day ED wise.

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