I feel like I am stuck in some of sort of time space where everything is infinitely recurring.These habits are getting more and more out of hand and this disorder is slowly but surely killing me, I am sprinting towards death if I allow this to continue. Where is my willpower for goodness sake and I definitely misplaced my will to live because a person who wants life would not act like this, how dare I rob myself of laughter, I am afraid and alone.
I can’t stop purging but I must, each time I purge it feels like I am on the verge of making my throat collapse, the more I purge the more my throat feels like it’s pushing to the back of my mouth. I am so afraid of what’s going on so much so my throat has been involuntarily closing up before purging, it’s the strangest feeling. Dizzy spells that make me lose my memory & falling asleep each time I sit down- if hell had a face mine would be it… I look terrible and feel worse. I should stop purging and I have as of earlier this afternoon, once again I am no longer allowed the luxury to binge and purge all I want…. Well at least for now.
Thing are dangling in the air waiting to be done, I have no desire to do them.
One thing I am feeling good about are my moods, I feel happy for longer then there are those moments where I want to breakdown but for now it’s bearable at least there’s that.