I have been extremely busy since Saturday, the prep for the fashion show on which I am an assistant on has been well underway since the weekend and I have been running up and down. Using public transportation definitely isn’t helping since by the time we call it a day I’ll be so exhausted and then I have to walk all the way to the station. This job is not what I had in mind and I feel used in the sense that we are not getting paid actual cash (I knew that from the start) but food is provided and on the days of the fashion shows we get free passes to the venue and all the other stuff. I don’t care about the food and I really can’t be bothered about the free passes so what am I fighting for? At first I knew exactly why I was going- to meet new people and to have an experience but right now I am asking myself this- I take a lot of pills (ibuprofen and panado) just to get through the day and I know now that the reason why I wanted to take part in this is no longer valid, so again what am I fighting for?
I have decided that I am done, so done. It’s sad you know because I wanted to finish what I started, I signed a contract that said I would avail myself until the 29 of September and I wanted to keep my word… to be professional and to be one who is capable of enduring but I can’t go on. I highly doubt they will show up at my gate and drag me by my hair just because I signed a contract, a part of me still wants it that part that says you’re missing out and it will get better but a huge part of me wants nothing to do with it anymore, that’s the part of me that I hate- quit at the slight feeling of discomfort.
Sifting through the negative thoughts and digging for positives, I have to remind myself that a year ago I didn’t have the guts to go as far as I have. I met some amazing young people like me, I established some connections and if a job of this nature surfaces & one that actually pays, the first one to hear about it will contact everyone. It’s great when you’re young and you can have your pick at part time (usually 2 weeks) jobs where you work and get paid and you spend it on whatever because you don’t have a family to feed or have any real responsibilities- I’m thankful for that.
Because of this decision I have made, I can’t help but feel sad because I have just voluntarily slipped back into the tyranny of the mundane and that’s where the depression violently wakes.