I just woke up today and said you know what? I have to finish what I started and so I did. I went to the assistant job and I worked my arse off the whole day and night running up and down together with everyone that was on the team. Today was the finale so it’s all over and although I missed some days I’m glad I summoned up the courage to go today.
Of course I felt self-concious wearing motorcycle boots, jeans and a t-shirt while the guest were wearing gorgeous gowns but I quickly reminded myself that I was there to work and I wasn’t a guest- this wasn’t my night to shine and look glamorous but instead a night for me to let go of my inhibitions. I smiled inside when I realised that I was actually there, in the flesh.. part of something that is bigger than the sum of it’s parts.
After organising the chairs and tables, carrying refreshments, I ushered people in and guarded the reserved front row seats with my life like I had been instructed by our very co-ordination passionate supervisor. I didn’t stay for long after the event commenced because it was pointless just standing around at the back of the room, besides I would have ended up being roped into the clean up duties. I said my goodbyes to people who I have surprisingly grown attached to over a short period of time and headed home.
I am not the same person I was, I have been changed. In August I reached the end of my rope and it was very hard to breath. Thoughts of deaths weren’t uncommon, it’s all I thought of… I wanted to end it all. I promised myself that if I make out of this hole alive I would make the changes (no matter how insignificant) in my life that need to be done. I am afraid though, what comes after this? I am still too emotionally weak to not consider the possibility of falling back down into the hole but I will hold on… greet my teeth and wait.