I have been sucked back into the hollow and I am trying to remember how to breath. I have been bingeing and purging fearlessly and without restraint. There are those moments when bingeing when I feel like nothing can touch me, I have been surrendering to the disorder… can’t be bothered to fight, what for? I am going nowhere in life. This discontent has no end and I am surrounded by people who are complacent and wouldn’t dare to want more from life.
I have purged thick bright red blood this week and I kept going, I could have never lived with all that food in me.
Today is hard like I am trying to contain a tsunami in a teacup, my cousins were here earlier I tried to genuinely laugh but I couldn’t fully immerse myself in the conversation. I am too far gone, there is no denying it and the fact that things are fizzling out with this guy has left me distraught….. Starved of attention and I feel this sense of loss that feels more profound than it probably is. He has been great when it comes to distracting me from my troubles and talking to him was something new and exciting, something to cling on to but I genuinely like him and just like that the familiar sorrow came flooding in. Now I feel ugly and undesirable, I guess it’s all in my head. I even dared to hope during the past few weeks.
There is a family function here tomorrow and anxiety levels are rising, I will try to suck it up it’s just one day. I just hope these feelings subside.
The family function is finally over and despite being exhausted I am okay mood-wise. Hearing about all of my cousin’s success has left me feeling hopeless but then again this feeling is nothing new. I got away with not eating even though there were loads of people and I feel like I at least achieved something today.