Sunday night the weekend is over and so another week starts, I have been feeling okay these past few days but there are those moments when it feels like there is something on my chest and I feel this urgent and unbearable need to flee to lord knows where.
I have lost weight and my mum had “the talk” with me in the kitchen, it goes something like you’ve lost weight, why are you doing this to yourself etc etc to which I will try to assure her that everything is fine and she walks away unconvinced and worried and then there’s that guilt where I feel responsible for her emotions because I am the one causing her to worry. I don’t know how I have lost weight, I have been bingeing and purging a lot but I know this is just another weight fluctuation, it won’t last sadly. My weight isn’t going to plummet into an all time low, this isn’t the beginning of yet another descent into anorexia though secretly I would want it but I could never be able to discipline myself like that ever again.
So things with this guy have been going okay, the girl I thought was his girlfriend turned out to be his best friend so hahaha at me for jumping to conclusions, I feel more at ease now talking to him I no longer feel the need to come up with “material” and recently we started talking about things that matter, past relationships and sexual history and what not and let me tell you, he kinda scares me. Scares me in the sense that he has been with a LOT of women, I suppose I should appreciate the honesty but my goodness I have never been with anyone and that bothers me. He talks about sex in a casual manner, like it’s not a big deal while I on the other hand cover my mouth when even saying the word sex and that makes me doubt whether I want to be with someone like that. We are on the polar end of experiences with me having none at all, I suppose it’s not really that big of a deal.
Anyway that’s what been happening lately, I just wish I will have the strength not to purge or binge to begin with.