No light

Today is day two without bingeing or purging and I am proud of myself but the hunger I am feeling is agonising, I am definitely pmsing and I want to eat everything. If I am to let go and eat anything outside the standard restriction items, I will definitely unleash the beast and it would all go downhill from here. On Tuesday night I ended up having to down rehydration salts because I was so dehydrated from purging my hands were shaking.

Earlier I went to the airport to say goodbye to my aunt and my cousin who had visited for a whole month. I hate airports not because of people leaving and the fact that I will miss them but because I want to be the one walking into those gates… leaving and never looking back. When will my turn to walk through those gates come?  Watching them walk away felt like they were walking into the light and my heart broke because I remain a captive of geography. I can’t allow myself to be sad or to cry, the last time I surrendered to the empty and let myself feel I  literally cried for a whole month. Maybe sadness is meant to be repressed, what we can’t deal with we bury… but for how long.

Is one really better off coming face to face with darkness, some avenues aren’t meant to be explored though I am “glad” I did but I am convinced I haven’t quite gotten to the bottom of this darkness, each time I hit rock bottom I find myself falling even farther. Depression changed me and I have become so acutely aware and grasp reality in such a manner that a person who has never travelled the deep trenches of sadness will never be fully grasp. There is so much sadness in this world that people without depression cannot see, they wear their happy-optimistic goggles which somehow mask the hurt and the unfair nature of life. I try my best not to be negative not because I believe in the light at the end of tunnel but because I do not want to put people off with my negativity, I just don’t see where this light could possibly come from.

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