Vivid numbness

Feel like all that I am is hanging by a thread, I have been on a bingeing and purging rampage this past week and this is the part where I completely come undone.

The ones I care about are breaking and bending….

My brother, the one person I can count on definitely has a drinking problem. It’s no longer something we can deny or try to lessen it by saying he’s a 26 year old guy who loves to drink with his buddies, he goes to work drunk and comes back home buzzed and then starts heavily drinking again and I am so disappointed in him. We have our own vices, mine is bingeing and purging his is alcohol. My mum is the one who has to look on while her children get consumed by these relentless demons and she prays, fasts and hopes with her anointing oil and the all night prayers she attends but we are too far gone. Mum works crazy long hours, I can’t even get a job I feel like a burden, a parasite, this thing that she gave birth to that won’t stop sucking out the life out of her but lord knows I am trying to make something of myself, the intentions are there, the need but I can’t seem to find my way out of this blinding forest so I can march towards my destiny.

It’s just so sad the way we are crumbling and things just don’t work out for us, we are not just sitting and complaining and acting helpless but it’s always pouring and the doors just aren’t opening, we have been knocking for years. I can’t believe this, looking at pictures of my brother and I when we were young and recalling the few but happy childhood memories it feels my heart with this unbearable ache, I can’t even cry… what would I start crying about, there are just so many things. My brother and I have always been a team, there is just something special about the silent pact that siblings have the one where you’ll always have each other’s backs.

We are cemented in this existence, I am ashamed to say that I am ashamed of who have become.

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4 thoughts on “Vivid numbness

  1. i’m feeling ashamed of myself too. i know the feeling. it’s a terrible place to be. i hope we can start feeling better soon.

    • Hey, it’s been a while..hope you’re well. I too pray it gets easier for us both, things can only get worse to the point where the they must start getting better because it can’t get any worse.. well I’d like to make myself believe.

  2. Don’t be disappointed in your brother or ashamed about who you feel you have become. Binge/purge/alcoholism are all symptoms. You and your brother are trying to get by as you can. Sounds like you had a lot to deal with growing up in your house ya? I think you have done the best job you could. Your eating disorder at one time gave you a way of coping and surviving as may the alcohol for your brother. Both are compulsive and addictions. This may well be where your healing begins….with each other. Lots of love. I love your blog, your honesty and wonderful compassion. xx

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