I must say, I really appreciate sport in the way watching it can be such an escape though temporary, the high you when watching your team play is unlike any feeling you could ever feel. Tonight was one of those nights and it was amazing, during those few hours I don’t have an eating disorder, crippling depression and anxiety instead I am just a normal person watching sport and screaming at the tv, I am happy- the version of me that escapes me when those few hours are over and I have to snap back to reality.
I love to seek laughter, which is a normal trait but sometimes I seek it too much. Everything has to be funny we must keep laughing, say something funny, have we run out of funny things to talk about, let’s laugh forever perhaps it’ll shield us from the ever present sadness.. numb us and we will forever be oblivious to it. I have the ability to laugh at myself and to find humour in tragedy and I if ever lose that ability then I don’t know how I will be able to carry on. It’s either I am laughing about nonsense with a voice so loud or I am at the bottom of the blackest hole in silence-there is no in between.
I have been doing a great job at hiding just how down in the dumps I am but lately you can see it in my eyes. It takes you back, to see that sadness and brokenness in your own eyes and not knowing what will mend it. I am getting better, it’s like pulling teeth… the concept of hope, I envy those who have a little bit of it and I am shocked by those who have it in abundance.