The thing with broken dreams is that it hurts a little less each day but there are always those moments when you feel it all at once and your chest gets heavy and you feel like something is sitting on top of your lungs… you cry or don’t cry but the feeling is there, it’s there and it feels as though it will always remain with you.
A friend asked me today if I still was going ahead with my plans to study abroad and I just found myself aching over what never was. Last year I applied to study farther, I was supposed to study an MSc in business administration abroad, I got in and I found myself picturing this future that I thought would soon be mine but I was wrong. I thought I had found my “in” the doors had opened and I was leaving this god forsaken place but fate had other plans. The costs accumulated, tuition as an international student, accommodation, visa and a host of other items to the point that we couldn’t afford it… I refused to be selfish and put my mum through the stress of paying for more tuition when she had slaved to put me through undergrad, I myself have no money and no job and so just like that my dreams flew away.
I ended up enrolling for the programme that I am doing now which is a grad program but it isn’t an MSc but more like a gateway to an MSc this would have been avoided if I could afford the places I got into to which is why I am can’t focus fully on my studies- I was never supposed to navigate this particular curve I guess I should at least be thankful but that one ticket out of here I had gotten is gone now. It’s not too late, I could work and save up but I am so demotivated. Now is not the time to give up, what I decide right now will shape my future and whether my dreams will come true or not.. of that I’m sure. I have to find that determination buried somewhere within me.
Tonight I am not sad not happy either, just wandering around the house like a ghost. I woke up with no purpose and so my day has been without purpose as well. Unlike the past few months,this time I am trying, truly.