I out the blue decided to measure myself today so I stripped naked and dug out the tape measure buried in my underwear drawer, I was hesitant naturally and kept thinking to myself I didn’t have to do this because it would break my heart but I went ahead anyway. I have lost a couple of centimetres on both my hips and my waist and this is the result of purging. Some days you’re lucky you purge most of what you binge then you restrict some days you aren’t so lucky, your body will refuse to purge or environmental circumstances will prevent you from purging properly and you’ll retain the food and it’ll show.

Bulimia requires dedication, if you are going to binge then your purging has to be vigorous or else you’ll gain weight no doubt, most times I never purge everything out though I’d want to but I don’t want to push my luck. Those final desperate panicky shoving of fingers down the throat when purging could be what could kill me, like playing guitar on the same old fragile strings that could break at any point in time.

I have never mentioned this before partly because I have never wanted to accept it myself because it’s too frightening but my paternal grandmother died of throat cancer. Surely I am tempting fate perpetuating this horrid act of purging when I have read stories of bulimics who got throat cancer. There is history of throat cancer in the family, studies claim bulimia causes throat cancer, I am at a high risk of getting it even without bulimia because of genetics but here I am. In a way I think that type of thing would never happen to me, I feel so far removed from it all but it’s reality and it’s there and it won’t change.

I feel sick to even type this but days ago I got so tired of carrying on with life with all these burdens on my back I started to visualise what it would feel like to die and how exactly I would do it, the idea of drowning seemed appealing to me and in my imagination I was this ethereal being drowning in the bluest waters and I thought to myself how amazing it would be to just let go and leave all the sorrows behind, the mere thought filled my eyes with tears.

Some people aren’t meant for this world, I know I am not but being conscious of that fact doesn’t mean that I should just check out because I am here and here is now… here demands to be lived and felt, I owe it to myself and to the almost 23 years that I have wandering on this earth. I just wish I could heal from depression, it sucked out all the colour and it didn’t stop there it seeped into every aspect of my life to the point of it being that third person in a relationship.. any kind of relationship with a friend, a parent, a (potential) boyfriend or anyone really. Some have walls from being hurt that prevent them from entering into romantic relationships some of us have mental illnesses. I can’t imagine letting someone into my empire of dirt. What do I have I have to offer besides bullshit jokes, there might just be a thing such as being too unhinged for romance.

I wonder how much space a human heart can have given as I harbour all of the emotions. It gets tiring trying to radiate sunlight when you communicate with positive people, you can’t just be your usual depressed self because they will leave but that forced happy exterior is a major façade that you cannot keep on for long before you have to expose yourself for who you really are and then you depreciate right in front of their eyes or despite all your flaws and imperfections they love you regardless. I hope that one day when the time comes to tell the one I will come to adore of the cocktail of mental illness that plague me, I just hope they’ll choose to stay.


15 thoughts on “Unhinged

  1. Hey there !
    I’m sorry my English is not so good as I’m french, but I really wanted to write to you as I know exactly how you feel right now. People around me don’t know it, not even my family, but the ugly truth is that I got two failed suicide attempts behind me. I’ve been suffering of eating disorders for almost 8 years, and there were times I was so exhausted and desperated that I would just give up. I also faced depression many times mostly because of my weight fluctuations. I gained almost 40 pounds during my first year in college because of uncontrollable bullimia crisis and that really broke me. My school grades were bad, my relationships were even worst and I couldn’t hold a steady job. That year I tried to kill myself. That was five years ago. Right now I’m struggling with intense binging-purging-repeat phase. As a university student with a part-time job, I know how it is to binge more than 4,5,6 times a day then having to be productive at school\job. I’ve managed to loose 30 of the 40 pounds gained which helps a lot with my self-confidense, though it’s still not enough for me. Somedays I just loose hope in my cause and tell myself I there is no way I can get through it and that I should give up. But there are also days when life is not that bad. Those days are the most important. As rare as they are, we have to hang on to them. Even if I still stuggle with ED and that my life seems like hell most of the time, I’m really happy to be alive since I had the chance to meet really nice people, travel by myself and live a lot of amazing experiences.

    So please hold on. I know it takes time but I like to believe that things will settle eventually.
    Until that time, we have to keep going on no matter what.

    Good luck 😉

    • Hello, first of all congratulations on losing the pounds you picked up… I totally understand how losing weight isn’t just some some vain attempt to look good but it is crucial in the way it can boost up your confidence and bring light into your life and improve your relationships with others. You are right those good days are a reminder that the fight can be won and if it won all that goodness will be waiting on the other side. Thank you and I wish you all the best as well in your journey and keep fighting 🙂

    • I once ran away from my date like got to the place saw him there standing with some people and then headed straight to the car park and ran while he called out my name, I laugh about it now. Those walls yes, they are so darn stubborn.

  2. You are worth more than letting your sickness define you. I had a friend that was very depressed and always said she would never live to see her 30th birthday. She relapsed with drugs multiple times. She died just before her 30th birthday, by her own hand. It devastated us.

    Make sure you consider the pain and agony you’d put those through that would have to continue living here without you.

    • I’m sorry you lost your friend, how terrible it had to end that way. I would never go through with it but the mind wanders to those dark places, thank god I have a reason to carry on and that reason is my mum and brother.

  3. It gets better. I’m not just saying it, but when you spoke about drowning in blue waters I can really relate. I’ve been stuck in a similar darkness myself, but it got better. I believe also, that when you find genuine love, they will love you for all of your great qualities in addition to adoring you through your darkness and difficult times: through sickness and in health. It is so true, that phrase. Additionally, it is most definitely possible. I’m rooting for you. X

    • Hello thank you for your comment and it relieving in a way when you said you related with some of the things I wrote about, good for you for getting better, truly… reading that is a definite affirmation that it does get better. Keep well, cheers 🙂

  4. Are you on any medication? I have major depressive disorder and have been struggling with depression since age 12. You sound very depressed. It is such a lonely state to be in 😦 It took me years to finally get on the right meds, but now that I am, I’m not suicidal anymore. I’m still a dissapoitment to my family and haven’t succeeded in life but at least I’m here. I’m glad you are here! You write well and I look forward to reading more about you!
    sorry for the spelling errors! 😛 I can write but I cant spell

    • Hello, no I am not on any medication… I used to be on some anti-anxiety meds but they made me feel worse, I haven’t really come out in the open to family they know I am sad and my moods are erratic but they don’t know I’m depressed, I’m not the stay in bed all day depressed but carry on and hold on and pretend and then cry all you want in secret. I’m glad you managed to get the right meds that step is the hardest to take definitely and you’re still standing and I find that admirable… keep going :). I thought I could do it on my own without any meds or help but it’s evident I need some help and soon I will find the courage to speak up.

      • I definitely agree with medication. It has changed me for the better and the only thing that helped lift me out of the dark days I was talking about above. It has really taken the edge off of it, and now my depressed days are not a scratch on what they used to be. I really do advocate it, and maybe it might work. It’s definitely worth a shot if you’re willing to try it. x

  5. My dear,

    It breaks my heart to read this. You are not alone. Many people suffer like you do (myself included), and they find a way out. Could you perhaps see a therapist through your school? Your family doesn’t even have to know about it. I really urge you to talk to a professional. Therapy and medication saved my life. I am quite sure I would not be here if I had not done cognitive behavioral therapy and gotten on some antidepressants when I went through bouts of crippling anxiety in my early 20’s.

    Sending you lots of love,

    • Hie K, thanks for the encouragement… I am planning on meeting my GP in the near future so he can recommend a great counsellor I can talk to as I cannot see one through school. It’s relieving to know that you went through that stuff as well…. don’t feel so alone :). Do you still take anti- depressants or they really helped you and you don’t need them anymore? Hope your diet plan is going well, stopped by your blog this other day & wanted to support but the mind… so exhausted, you know how it goes 🙂

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