There truly is nothing quite like sharing social media IDs with a guy you’ve been texting/flirting with for months and going through his instagram following list and seeing all these blondes and brunettes with mesmerizing eyes, cuties with dimples looking radiant under the glorious sun. I feel lethargic from this state of affairs, it would be comical if I didn’t feel so exposed & bruised because I pale in comparison, how can I compete with that. I went looking for it though… the hurt it was pretty obvious what I was going to find and still I kept on clicking… I looked for it and I found it. I just feel embarrassed for even talking to him in the first place.
I finally saw myself and saw him and honestly he’s so out of my league, maybe this is partly coming from a place of low self-esteem but there are some things you have to admit to yourself regardless of self-esteem or absence of it therefore. He tells me I’m beautiful always (bet he says that to all the girls). I don’t believe him but why would he lie it’s not like he’s trying to get into my pants distance has sorta made that an impossibility. I can’t comprehend just what he would want from me, I have nothing for him to gain… truly. I am not a fun in the sun short shorts wearing gal. I am a depressed bulimic with bipolar episodes and crippling anxiety. I cant “hang” so to speak. I am a fucking nightmare he’d have to constantly pick me up from my frequent lows and deal with my highs and I don’t think anyone has the patience for that kind of commitment.
I want to hide.