It’s a few hours before my birthday and it feels like the countdown to doomsday. I always use this day to reflect on what has happened during the past 12 months and every year it’s always the same bundle of issues but this year though one thing has changed and that is the way I am more open to the world around me, I am still closed off and more guarded than most but if I summon enough courage I am not as afraid of diving in as I was before.
Bulimia has been the worst it has ever been in a long time and I have become more efficient in being disordered, I am fearless and it’s this unbridled bingeing-purging frenzy and I don’t know where this new upgraded version of this disorder came from. I am 2 days binge and purge free and that is an accomplishment.
My mum asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I could not for the life of me figure out what it is that I want, you see acquiring material possessions does not excite me anymore because all I want in life at this stage is an experience. I used to get so excited over buying that new phone with a massive screen or those sick boots but now it does not enhance my emotional well being in any way. I have grown apathetic towards things that used to fill me with happiness even if it was short-lived. This is because I want one thing in life and one thing only and that is to create a life for myself somewhere far away from here, so anything else that might seem great I have no interest and I can’t shake off that feeling.
I am unmoved by the things that ought to induce well-being or even real joy but shaken and stirred by the things that bring sadness, it’s a though my brain is in self-destruct mode.
I am not interested in the joy that might come from taking the path life is pushing me into, a path I did not intend on taking because I feel that joy will not be real or it will be a certain kind of joy though genuine it will not be fit for me, I want to take the path that is in my head, the one that I truly intend on taking and what happiness will come will be real because it will be what I intended. What I envisioned.
I don’t know what the plans for tomorrow will be, I don’t want to make a big deal out of it… I just want for it to be acknowledged and for people to make the right amount of fuss, enough to make it feel like a different day but not so much it starts making me sad. 23. Turning 23 I can’t believe it but I feel calmer than I was last year.