Yesterday I went to the doctor, my medical aid finally got sorted so now I can see our family GP who has been treating me for years. He is a really chatty man but a brilliant doctor. Anyway I got there they weighed me and took some blood for some tests and I was told that I need to gain 15kg which I found shocking as I am hardly underweight but he said I should at least gain 5kg for now and I just sat there bewildered.. Doesn’t this man have eyes, I DO NOT need to gain 15kg. This isn’t coming from some anorexic in denial, I have been suffering from EDs for a long time and I have passed that denial stage and can recognize when I am underweight or not and actually admit it to myself. With that being said I still don’t have a perception of what I actually look like which seems like a paradox but when I am underweight I can recognize it now.
He filled out a prescription for my stomach issues caused by the purging but I didn’t tell him that of course. I wanted to confide in him about my depression but the words stuck to the back of my throat, my big depression secret remained hidden behind my teeth, I could not spit it out but God knows I wanted to. The more he talked and asked about my studies, my brother and all that stuff you talk about with the doctor who’s been treating you for years… the more he talked the more I lost my nerve to tell him and I knew couldn’t have been able to fully express my depression and I would probably have ended up seeming like I was blowing things out of proportion, I am always so articulate on here about my afflictions but in real life in front of someone who has the tools to help me, I rehearsed what I could say in my head but I couldn’t string a sentence that could’ve summed up the sad state I have been in and how much I have been struggling.
I left and picked up my prescription then came home had one of my strange “OMG OMG” episodes where I become acutely aware of my reality and feel like I want to climb out of my skin. To cope I binged and purged and after a while I calmed down and this wave of “it’s gonna be okay” swept over me, pity it didn’t last long.