Alone

Nights like this make me feel so sad because of the fact that at 23 I have never had a boyfriend, it’s not the mere fact that makes me sad because that has happened and I can’t beat myself up for something that just never happened, it’s in the past there’s nothing I can do about it but it’s how bleak it looks going forward. I feel wounded and left behind.

My attitude towards relationships is somewhat negative when I talk about it with other people, I am very good at coming up with all types of excuses as to why I’m still single, using my parent’s horrible prison like marriage as an example of why relationships repulse me. Of course I know that I am not my parents and history will not repeat itself if you make damn good sure of it but without the cushion of those excuses I’m left with no armour so I continue to use them. Pathetically.

In reality though I crave to hold someone’s hand, feeling their breath on my shoulder while we sleep, them steaming my vegetables before I get home, watching a game of football, go on holidays and laughter, god I want laughter… inside jokes that never get old, I want passion… to be consumed by love, something simple that I know I’ll cherish.

I have managed to get myself into a corner and I can’t get out of it, I have my back against the wall. I have half-fallen for someone who lives 1000km away, the feeling is reciprocated but I just don’t know just how serious he is and if he’d be willing to go the distance. Hell… is his mind even heading towards that direction am I pathetically pinning away but it’s been close to 6 months since we started talking and we talk everyday. Am I so starved of romance I’m jumping the gun and misinterpreting things?! I don’t know.. I never know but I don’t think so, my reality and actual reality are two different things.

1000km, how far can you send emotions, I don’t want to cling on by my finger nails for something that’ll probably never work and I don’t want to steer the ship by making my true intentions known, I’ll wait for him to say something. He has said something about visiting me but I don’t know if he was really serious. I feel crazy for always googling stuff like travel distance between where we both live, I know exactly how long the flight will take and how long if traveling by road heck I even know the name of the airport near where he lives. C-r-a-z-y.

I really like this guy, he has been the source of a few minor changes I have been making in my life. I feel I am emotionally mature enough now to be able to handle a long distance relationship. I just hope it’ll all be clearer soon.

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