Tonight I said to hell with it and I ate a proper dinner since Wednesday night and it tasted great. I am fed and full but oh so empty & weightless. Where there was once a heaviness in my chest has been replaced by unfeeling, I used to cry out about this sensation were what occupied my chest would reverberate endlessly as if the contents would spill out and I would completely shatter and never recover but now all there is silence and silence does not mean peace.
Yesterday afternoon I came undone, crying until I smudged my perfectly winged water proof eyeliner. Rocking back and forth holding my chest as though I was performing this gut wrenching scene in a drama, only it was real and I found myself questioning my existence and why it is so that my will is strong but why can’t I find a way.
It wasn’t all misery this weekend, I repressed, laughed, talked and engaged with people. I tried. It’s just that the bad obscured the good and here I am ending the day on a low note.
I am thankful for my mum and brother as well as certain people who came into my life when they did (as if someone sent them to me) without them I don’t even want to think what might have happened.