Worrywart

Struggling to get out of bed, granted it’s only 7:30am but my bones are so weak. Christmas is almost here and I am so behind with my studies I can feel the anxiety taking over like I will spontaneously combust at any moment.

My family including my aunts and cousins are planning to go away for a road trip for Christmas not anything major just somewhere fun and inexpensive. I am looking forward to it but there’s always that bit of anxiety and that panic over what I’ll wear to hide my body and what food I’ll have to eat. I’m not completely a helpless baby anymore when it comes to my ED, whenever I go somewhere if there aren’t any safe foods for me I suck it up, by either eating a quarter of the food or turning my nose up at everything. I don’t whine about it to whoever is with me or cry about it. I quietly deal with it, I am gifted at carefully managing my pain/worry in front of the masses. I wear a good mask that fits firmly. I have been disordered for 10+ years I get that some people may be “over” my eating disorder, I gather it’s just a matter of “well at least she’s still alive” to them. Sometimes when I am with my mum she sees I’m uncomfortable and she simply pushes the plate and away from me in a way you can say she’s “enabling me” but it’s just that SHE KNOWS.

I hope our trip will be successful and this Christmas will be different.

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