On embracing Christmas

Feeling better and better, the anxiety likes to creep up just when I think I’m doing okay but it’s manageable not like before when I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust.

This year I don’t mind Christmas, I wouldn’t go as far as saying I am looking forward to it but I’m not feeling like the Grinch or anything though that may be subject to change as I never know how I’ll feel about something later on because of mood swings.

My hate for Christmas wasn’t hating it for its own sake but for the fact that even though I tried to embrace it.. It would never fill my emptiness so what then would be the point in participating in something that would remind me of what I lack and what I am not, I would rather show my disdain towards it and spare myself whatever raw hedious emotion would be awakened.

Christmas in all honesty means anger because of all the meals you can’t enjoy, the stares from family members, the pain when they comment anything about your weight, being the center of attraction at meal times and your ED being the topic of discussion at some point, you picking at your food while aunt Loice comments something about your hips and all that and more ending with you in your room when it’s all over and you’re elbow deep in food feeding your empty and purging all night.

This year I feel like IT is possible whatever IT is, maybe laughter in front a fireplace sipping on coffee is possible without the underlying self doubt and worry that gnaws away at me always, maybe IT is a day out wearing a summer dress and not feeling like I need to hide myself because I would have found a new appreciation of the body that I have abused for over a decade but has never failed me even though I don’t deserve it or maybe IT is a wholesome meal shared with family and not an ounce of guilt creeping in. I never dare to be optimistic when it comes to my eating disorder because I just don’t see how I’ll get out though I want to.

Though most days I find myself hovering in the grey, I’ll sing along to jingle bells when I hear it in the mall or supermarket, the sky won’t break I’ll try to embrace IT but not too far I’ve done this hoping thing before and in my experience it was like poison in my bones in the way it turns into bitterness when you don’t get the ends you desired.

I pray this feeling will stay for a little while, I just have to find the control to stop bingeing and purging… so worn out but not as down and out as usual and to be honest I’ll take this feeling any day… could be worse, I know how dark it can get and just how much daylight can burn

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