I am on the sofa, too pathetic… too lonely to go out and celebrate new years eve. It’s exactly 30 minutes before the year is officially over. I woke up in a state of sheer panic, like how much can you cram into one day before its all over. I am ready to see 2014 go but I needed at least 10 more days to mentally prepare myself it’s as though new years eve has been sprung on me.
I hear people talking about resolutions and how their hope is suddenly renewed towards the end of December, I honestly make it a point to enter the new year with no promises given nothing is in my hands at present, I’ve done all I can now I need to find that door I’m always talking about. I can’t help but feel that I am way past realignment, all the parts of me need a major overhaul.
Reflecting back on 2014 I tremble, I swam the darkest blue and I reached the very end of my rope and when I tried to tie a knot and hold on I realised the rope was around my neck. Depression knows no bounds, bipolar sneaks up on you always. I don’t know if I am tough as nails as I thought I was, I’m just simply swimming against the current unaware of my own strength or lack thereof.
Bulimia ran terror over all the aspects of my life especially the second half of this year. Nothing has changed but I have, I am more calmer when dealing with people who wrong me. I no longer see the point in wanting to have the last say or to be the one who attacks with words laced in venom so I can see them hurt, I don’t care about that anymore.
I am still sad, lord knows I am. My heart is heavy with burden and I can only drown my screams with silence hoping that soon something will happen, I have been standing at the train station waiting for an airplane all my life.. To what end?! This waiting, when does it stop and is it ever going to be enough… This determination is being put to waste.
I can never be a ray of sunshine, which is why I push people away. I can never stand in their light, ashamed of my darkness.
2015 looks like staring into an endless chasm in the sense that I have no clue what’s in store. One step at a time and steering away from the edges of cliffs. I will try to have the heart not to let this go.