I have always prided myself on how intensely I feel when I feel something for someone, always thought of it as an amazing quality, authenticity and what not. My personality is obsessive and my emotions are extreme in the way they ricochet from apathy to absolute unbridled fervour.
I was sitting staring at my phone after being “blue ticked” by someone who I feel strongly for and I remembered that I should curb the intensity of my feelings since everything I feel is always so much more profound than it probably is. To me having him in my life and sharing bits of it with him is what gives me sustenance. When we talk, to me it’s mood enhancing, earth shattering and life altering when to him it’s probably just another Friday afternoon.
I have the propensity to be clingy, I really do and so I keep my distance but because the middle ground is foreign to me, I end up seeming cold, disinterested and distant which drives me insane, I am unable to show how much I really care, there’s a certain kind of vulnerability in wearing your heart on your sleeve that I don’t care to experience though the outcome might be rewarding but nobody likes rejection especially after putting yourself out there, so to speak. He then reaches out and I know I have him which sets out signals in my brain for the obsession I have of him to bloom into this gigantic uncontrollable thing. I can picture a balloon that keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I just want to hold his hand, watch sports with him and drink tea on a rainy day. The thing with distance is you never really know, whose hand is he holding right now, who was he really with when he ringed in the new year. It’s exhausting and worrying and makes you wonder if it’s worth all that trouble. Even with all the emoticons and emojis in the world not much can be conveyed through text and emails since it’s impersonal and can never compare to face to face. As a human I am governed by emotions and I will see this through.. whatever “this” is with my head firmly on my shoulders.