23 and I still tremble
My eyes still get wider in disbelief, this cannot be my life, what sin did I commit in this life or previous lives to deserve this. 23 and I still tell myself to hold the tears back a lump grows in my throat, I falter… give in to the weakness and tears fall down my cheeks silently as I contain the sound of my sobbing, I have to be seen as impenetrable I have to seem like my heart isn’t breaking maybe if I seem like so then perhaps I might convince myself it’s truth and all this pain is an illusion but the ground is shaking and I cannot feel my fingers only burden inside of my chest, I wish I could cut it out of me.
The sound of his shouting fills the night, I tremble under my blankets and wait for the bear to tire and collapse but he is relentless, cruel and vengeful. God is it ever going to be enough? Why us? What did we ever do to deserve a heartless man like that for a father and what did my mum ever do to deserve a husband like that. He was standing by the door of my bedroom with no pants on telling me that my mum is a whore and he’d soon expose her, it’s 3am and my head is pounding the ground is shaking and I cannot for the life of me stop trembling.
If money were no object we would not be tethered to this place, I have nowhere to go and I can’t stop crying. I wish I could run somewhere where I can find comfort, tonight there is no God.. Where is he in all of this and is this part of the master plan? Because this catapult into the unknown makes no sense.