There is no God

23 and I still tremble

My eyes still get wider in disbelief, this cannot be my life, what sin did I commit in this life or previous lives to deserve this. 23 and I still tell myself to hold the tears back a lump grows in my throat, I falter… give in to the weakness and tears fall down my cheeks silently as I contain the sound of my sobbing, I have to be seen as impenetrable I have to seem like my heart isn’t breaking maybe if I seem like so then perhaps I might convince myself it’s truth and all this pain is an illusion but the ground is shaking and I cannot feel my fingers only burden inside of my chest, I wish I could cut it out of me.

The sound of his shouting fills the night, I tremble under my blankets and wait for the bear to tire and collapse but he is relentless, cruel and vengeful. God is it ever going to be enough? Why us? What did we ever do to deserve a heartless man like that for a father and what did my mum ever do to deserve a husband like that. He was standing by the door of my bedroom with no pants on telling me that my mum is a whore and he’d soon expose her, it’s 3am and my head is pounding the ground is shaking and I cannot for the life of me stop trembling.

If money were no object we would not be tethered to this place, I have nowhere to go and I can’t stop crying. I wish I could run somewhere where I can find comfort, tonight there is no God.. Where is he in all of this and is this part of the master plan? Because this catapult into the unknown makes no sense.

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13 thoughts on “There is no God

  1. you are in my thoughts and prayers. i know it must feel like you are alone….but i am thinking about you and God is looking out for you. But I know sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. i know. here is my e-mail if you want to talk: my20somethingsadventures@gmail.com

  2. Hey, I saw your post and was very alarmed. I am so sorry you are hurting this way.
    You can reach out for help outside of the family and friends circle for help and guidance. I don’t know how severe your situation is or anything, but, If you’re in the UK, I found this:

    “The Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline, run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge, is a national service for women experiencing domestic violence, their family, friends, colleagues and others calling on their behalf.

    The Helpline can give support, help and information over the telephone, wherever the caller might be in the country. The Helpline is staffed 24 hours a day by fully trained female helpline support workers and volunteers. All calls are completely confidential.”

    24-hour National Domestic Violence
    Freephone Helpline
    0808 2000 247

    I found this at: http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

    Also,

    “Domestic violence is the abuse of one partner within an intimate or family relationship. It is the repeated, random and habitual use of intimidation to control a partner.

    The abuse can be physical, emotional, psychological, financial or sexual.

    If you are forced to alter your behaviour because you are frightened of your partner’s reaction, you are being abused.”

    via:

    http://www.refuge.org.uk/about-domestic-violence/

    God bless you,dear. You do not have to live this way, you were made for more. It is going to be okay.

    Prayers and thoughts your way, do not give up. Looking back later, you will be glad you didn’t. Take care of yourself.

  3. 😦 poor darling . I just want to wrap you under warm blankets and tell you everything will be okay. Thinking of you xx

  4. I can feel your loneliness and pain through your words 😦
    I send you healing energy and big hugs! ❤

  5. You could be talking my life. I hear you. I relate. I understand and I hope for your healing all the time. At some point, surely, our time will come. At some point, surely our Mother’s time will come … What hurts me most is, I moved away; my Mother remains. I wish I could take her from it but I guess in the end she stays because there is some need that is being met no matter how utterly dysfunctional. I have to put my faith in my Mom. It’s her life. And she will do what she needs to. Lots of love xx

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