The past few weeks have been different, I am prepping to go somewhere away from home and I leave on Saturday. I have been busy buying things I need, I could be gone a week or a month I don’t know but all I know is that it’s going to be an enriching experience. I bought a conservative swimming costume as I will need it, I wasn’t brave enough for a bikini. I feel okay wearing it though I wish my hips were smaller and my thighs weren’t jingle town , I figured if I stand in a certain angle I will look okay.
The month of April will be a real test of character, I have always prided myself on being someone who can adjust and I pray I can. I’m going to go ghost basically, no cellphone or laptop and I will come out of this a changed woman with an experience in hand.
I am mostly looking forward to my break from bulimia, I have been recklessly engaging in bingeing and purging episodes every single weekday for months now and I felt that it didn’t deserve mention here or anywhere because repetition is quite the bore and openly writing about it would have made me aware of just how off the rails I had gotten. Bulimia and I will be seeing other people.
Speaking of seeing other people, the guy who I have been endlessly writing about like a crazed psycho has finally gotten tired of me it seems, I suppose he realised that I didn’t have any more to offer. I tried giving him all my wit, tried to impress him with my brains, my love of sports and I made him know that I thought he was God in the way he is so perfect. I refused to give him what I wasn’t willing to give, he hung around but in hindsight he was only just dangling himself in front of me. He’s an important person with a lot of experiences, well traveled and large personality, I’m just a church mouse. That’s done and I’m alright, yeah I feel this sense of loss but when someone doesn’t make the effort, you gracefully let go.
Anyway I am going to try to not let negative body image rob me of this experience.