A month has passed since I last blogged, many things have happened. I feel different, my blood flows much more furiously through my veins and my teeth still ache for the unattainable, all the emotions are teeming inside of me without restraint. I am more desperate. I cannot contain myself, my rage, my bitterness. I don’t know what to do with my hands, I feel restless.
I spent the better part of April at a fancy resort, experiencing things I could only ever dream of. I was participating in a pageant- yes a pageant. I never talk about this but I have this desire to be adored, its’s narcissistic and pathetic but its’s fuel for my soul, I need it to carry on. However in the end I opted out due to the fact that my heart wasn’t in it anymore, when the will is gone and the spirit is broken and you cannot see yourself at the finish line, the actions you take will be half arsed and I do not do half arsed, I do everything with unbridled fervour- I did not give up, I simply walked away.
It was a different experience, there were cameras all the time, a tv crew, a security team. I felt like I was part of something major and I felt my presence was felt like I made a mark. We were always on the go, always exercising, dancing, swimming etc so I had to EAT otherwise I would not have had the energy to cope, all the meals were a buffet so it was easy to eat what I felt comfortable to eat- I ate my 3 meals and l consumed copious amounts of coffee, my eating disorder wasn’t a bother, I had no time to be bulimic… no desire, thousands of kilometres away from home I had successfully managed to disengage from the familiar. The first two weeks at the resort were okay, it was only after I had decided to opt out during the third week that I started purging and I violently came undone.
Coming back home though was another story, I felt relieved the first week and then the regret set in. I was weak and dizzy from the exercises we did and I actually lost 6 kgs and my BMI has plummeted to a low of 17.6. I feel stripped of dead weight in the way I have lost inches around my hips and waist, I feel weightless, I feel like an ED warrior but for all the wrong reasons.
I have been burning in rue, a large part of me feels like I should have held on longer… suffering is always significantly less profound in hindsight, if I go back to the day I made the decision to walk away from the pageant knowing what I know now, I would still make the same decision but something inside of me keeps pounding on that door of if only.
As a result of this I have not been able to stop bingeing and purging, I want to fill the bottomless hole in my heart. I need that high though transient, I need it to feel a fraction of natural human emotion that I tragically am void of.
My sunshine is gone and the butterflies are dead and rotting inside of me, like adding salt to a gaping wound I came back to find the guy I had fallen for with a new girlfriend and I had to pretend to be happy for him, I have always been exceptional at that, pretending I do not give a flying fuck when I am in actual fact dying inside. I feel his absence, God I really do, I feel it in my core, I feel it inbetween panic ragged breaths. This man has been immortalised in my memories and heart. I try to figure out how for the past months I have managed to hold on, how I became bolder and much more open to new experiences.. to the possibility of things and all the answers point back to him. He took my soul and wiped it clean and now that he is gone the fragments of my heart are misaligned again. At least his departure wasn’t callous, he let me down gently and truthfully I knew in the end I would be one left telling the story of what never was.
Time staggers on.