Unchanging Change

I have been seeing some changes in my daily life though it hasn’t been that much to really cause an effect but there has been that shift that change in the way the wind blows, I’m still not certain of the direction but I just know that it’s different. Amidst this change there’s also been a state of unchange in the way I keep perpetuating these wretched bulimic rituals.

My weekends are more occupied with things, last weekend I worked as a promo model and I got paid which was amazing, it would have been more amazing had I not collapsed and some girl had to run around and look for an energy bar and an energy drink. I just felt so typical, starving model collapsing huh! The call for the job was short notice and I had binged and purged the whole week so obviously standing the whole day was going to have it’s toll on me. I couldn’t even finish the damn energy bar because it was a calorie rich little piece of hell, I can’t carry on like this.

I can’t B/P then restrict AND pursue my childhood dream and I can’t eat normal meals either because a) I don’t know how b) I’ll get fat. I just feel so conflicted, I can’t let bulimia rob me of yet another opportunity but it’s hard trying to prevail when all that fuels you is the thought of experiencing that thrill when jamming goodies down your throat and then purging it. It’s some sort of high, I feel some people smoke a cigarette to take the edge off, some have a beer, some do drugs.. I need to binge and purge to take the edge off.

Tomorrow is a big day, I’m going for a casting and I’m wrecked with self doubt and that general feeling of “do I really really want this”, of course I do but I’m good at talking myself out of things because the easy way is all I’ve known but I can’t do that anymore. I should be careful of using that term-model-because though that’s what I’m trying to pursue I am not a model not by a long shot, waddling in heels and wearing red lipstick does not cut it, I need practice. I hope I’ll get there, I don’t wanna be some big shot model.. I just want a bite of a piece of the pie and if it so turns out I can have the whole slice then I’ll be the gladdest thing under the sun.

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