Blue

A noose, yes feel like that’s what I’m choking on. I’ve been working all week, I thought I would crumble having to stand for long hours at a time but I didn’t. My agent is super reliant on me because I report to jobs on time and do what I’m asked, it feels great but it also means more gigs for me which is great but (again) it makes me feel increasingly tied and entangled with these activities that although make me money they also increase my anxiety, I hate feeling obligated.

On the flip side of things, arriving home tonight was met with an intervention from my mum and brother who reckon my weight has plummeted to an all time low. Apparently I look like a boy, I’ll admit I’ve lost weight and my BMI is now 17.2 but I’m better for it. I have dizzy spells on a daily basis but my emotions in relation to weight issues I’m on top of the world, this is where it escalates for me anyway, once I’m tipping off the edge of the cliff the only way to go is to plummet off it, giving me such a high. Being skinny is the high, I can’t stop now.

I cannot be with the man who I thought I would be happy with, you know that type of guy who makes the bad disappear just by talking to him, the one that carries a light in their eyes you can’t help but want to be the best version of yourself. Now he’s gone and I’ve lost that verve, everything means nothing. I just wanna melt into the ground sometimes.

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