Familiar waters

All I can smell and taste is vomit, I can smell it in my nose and my hands are sticky despite washing them countless times, it must be all in my head. I am like a drug addict, I can’t sit still my mind is continuously racing and excitement invades my bones at the thought of having my next binge, I’m sneaking food in my bedroom and when I am watching TV with my family I’m a million miles away strategising how and when the next binge and purge session will take place. I live in vomit, my towels, I have containers I purge into in the dead of the night and empty in the morning, I am no sweetheart, I am disgusting person but nobody could ever tell. I feel dead.

I have wasted what was supposed to be a relaxing weekend, I have purged 10+ times during the past 24 hours, I can’t stop even a cup of tea has to be purged. This story is getting old and I need something else to seek solace in. I have felt lonely these past few days, retreating back into the fold of that familiar hollow where narcissism reigns supreme, me me me. I can’t even force a smile and or an interaction because I want the world to go fuck itself. It’s nothing personal, it’s just that I have I cannot be bothered with anything or anyone. Leave me to die, not literally but let me be.

The new part time promo modelling job has lost its novelty, it’s not as exciting as it was. It’s all just monotonous drudgery and I can’t stand smiling at creeps in a short skirt and being as kind and lovely as I can. I won’t quit because I’ll hate myself even more. When it comes to the skill of suffering in silence, I’m exceptional.

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3 thoughts on “Familiar waters

  1. Don’t this to yourself and don’t suffer in silence. By blogging, I guess you not totally alone. By all means, quit your job if that is how you feel. One should not have to feel “eyes.” Being male and 58 years old, I guess I sometimes feel guys looking at my daughters. I have an eighteen year old that graduated the other day. I could feel the eyes on all this young women. It is kind of gross.

    I am an addictive personality. While not purging, I guess I do other things that have shame associated with.

    Society and peer pressure puts a toll on young women. My youngest is constantly comparing herself and judging. She has a thing with food and I had her with a psychologist for awhile. Weight is just a number. Certainly, there is more to you than this.

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