Heavy

I can feel it today sitting heavily on my chest, the despondency. I didn’t have the distraction of work, the commuting to and fro. It was just me, dwelling on my insignificance and oh the bingeing and purging. I do self destruction well, like an innate skill of some sort. The sound of my voice is making my irritation is apparent but I feel so small, some dulled voice whispering in the distance. I could burst into tears at any moment but I would have an audience, I don’t like to be vulnerable.

Work is stressful, the salary is peanuts, if I subtract bus fare and all I’m basically running a deficit and my boss LOVES me but I want to quit because I feel like a cog in a machine, a means to her ends and the lot of them… Whoever they are. $20 a week? I know this job is not in the field of what I studied at university its a modelling promo thing but I can’t help but feel I deserve more and I do. There is starting somewhere, humble beginnings and all then there’s scraping the bottom of the barrel and robbing myself of a chance at getting a better job that could help me rise out of my circumstances but what if this job is a stepping stone. I’m confused. I’ll wait for it to pass/change but in this moment disappearing without a trace would be splendid.