Free Fall

Our demons are never our own at least not wholly, there are always loved ones who take partial ownership.. casualties of these personal afflictions of ours. My mother has suffered for years at the hands of my eating disorder, she has suffered by my hand. They all have.

I was diagnosed with anorexia on Saturday.

Another relapse, another crisis, another rock bottom, another mountain to climb.
I went to the ER on Saturday morning, I was too weak, bathing felt like climbing a mountain. They did routine checks and my blood pressure was too low 88/62 and because of that I had to be hooked onto IVs for hours. I felt so defeated just lying there, the mighty had fallen, the purging queen reduced to nothing but just another shivering body on a hard hospital bed in a tiny cubicle.

I can’t recall how may bags they pumped into me, I just know that I felt trapped as though I was being held hostage with no way of cutting myself loose.

Now I am back home and I am trying to eat, trying to be normal but I am failing. A hospital stay is not even enough to stop me from me from finding my stupid selfish hands at the back of my throat. I don’t deserve the love I get from my mother, so unconditional and irrevocable and what do I do, I keep perpetuating the same behaviours that landed me in a hospital bed. I am keeping down some food but not all, I have no problem with small meals it’s just that after eating something takes over me and I end up bingeing and purging…. undoing all the progress. I can’t flip a switch. It will take everything to undo and to unlearn all the patterns of destruction that i have been weaving for more than a decade. Unlearning has always been harder than learning.

I have to gain weight, I am so afraid.

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4 thoughts on “Free Fall

  1. I hesitated to push the “like” button. I don’t like what you are going through, but I do like that you have recognized you have a problem and that you are asking for help.

    I have no good advice, but can offer a ray of hope that I have at least a couple of good friends who are recovering from eating disorders. They still wrestle, sometimes daily, but they are in recovery, not defeated by the disorder.

    I will be praying that you experience similar healing.

  2. Tough place to be. You’re Mother loves you because you are worthy of love; she sees what you cannot see in yourself. Her eyes see her beautiful flesh and blood in turmoil. She knows your potential and will always be your biggest fan, championing you all the way. You are not a disgrace but suffer with an illness. And like you say, there is a reason or a myriad of reasons why this illness has blighted your right to live on this planet. And I’m guessing it was how you learned to cope when no words manifested themselves to speak you pain.

    One day at a time, and maybe your mother’s love will someday help you with your own self-worth. Until then, you are doing the best you can and that’s okay too xxx

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