Guilt and Uncertainty

Black Coffee, orange

Binge and purge
Post b/p A handful of popcorn and juice, white coffee

Boiled veggies and chicken, a tablespoon of rice
75g yogurt
White coffee
Juice and a handful of crisps.

Result = guilt and uncertainty

I can’t seem to escape the pit, I feel backed into a corner by all the foods that I’m supposed to eat and actually keep down. The notion of 3 meals and snacks fills me up with such dread, annoyance and makes me want to binge and purge. Harassed by this eating disorder, food is more terrifying. It has now become a different type of enemy. It was easier the first few days because I was in shock from being told I had become anorexic again, I still had that fear that impelled me to want to change but now it’s been a week and I feel the food is piling on in my body if I keep eating, piling on, stuck in my gut and under my flesh. I feel twitchy after eating… Crazed almost, some sort of emergency, that overwhelming discomfort and regret, that misery. It’s not going to be easy but I have to try.

I feel too fragile for the world, too weary, too far gone. If I can forge through the fog in my head and rid of the weariness in my bones, I could achieve some things. I am not even a pessimist anymore, I no longer give anything any thought. I just want to be, to sit still and be. No, not sit still no, I just want to collapse into a heap and be left alone.


3 thoughts on “Guilt and Uncertainty

  1. Sounds such a struggle. I feel for you. Just wondering where you are in terms of feeling about recovery and getting outside help, or is that absolutely off the radar at this time? Xx

    • Thank you little voice 🙂 right now I’m trying to navigate the whole situation on my own but honestly, I need help but that’d involve opening up which is another beast on its own. Therapy sounds like the logical step but I live in a third world country and there’s literally nowhere to turn in terms of mental illness, the doctors/counsellors just tell me to eat eat eat, they are not sensitised to deal with such stuff.

  2. Keep forging through the fog and collapse when you need to; You WILL get there.
    Don’t give up on yourself ❤

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