Calm, is how I can describe today. I had a couple of coffees, fruit and a cookie. It’s almost 6pm, I should have eaten 2 meals by now but I can’t, don’t want to flip that switch in my brain. A yogurt is not just a yogurt it’s stepping on the accelerator and then the inevitable driving off the cliff. I avoided that by just not eating anything, so I’m safe, empty (the good kind).
My mum has placed an embargo on low fat/ sugar free food items- the horror of having to face full cream milk. I have to remind myself that I will survive not having aspartame filled beverages and that it’s OKAY to drink regular coke because people do drink that stuff and they’re not obese. Mum thinks I’m doing well-ish, yesterday I ate for show because she was home, she peeks into my plate, asks what I’m having, the subtle monitoring, I feel like a child.
On Saturday I went to a casting and that really derailed the “progress” I was making this past week, I was okay with skipping breakfast but having lunch at least… Celebrating small victories. Now I’m just not prepared to make that sacrifice. I can’t stop weighing and measuring myself, I want to stay the weight I was when I went to that casting on Saturday but at the same time I have to eat and be healthy, It’s fucked up! I have to stop this madness, I want life at the end of this nightmare.
I suppose modelling is not what I should be pursuing right now but if I quit my eating disorder wins and I’ll never know.
Ate an inadequate dinner of boiled veggies and meat then I panicked after eating yogurt, purged and now I’m a dehydrated,headache-y, ravenous mess. Mum is in the other room praying,I am so loved by her, my brother, my family, friends but I keep engaging in these sick and selfish behaviours that could kill me,unbearable guilt is eating me up inside. I am exhausted from all the lies.