I’m excited again, giddy, on the edge, no appetite, head in the clouds. Oh the mania. I always do this. Obsess. And nothing ever comes out of it. I’ve been talking to a wonderful Irish guy, he seems decent, handsome and inquisitive which is always great in my book. I always tend to evoke some kind of euphoria within me by getting to know attractive men who I think are way out of my league, it’s some type of rush just talking to them but unfortunately I freeze, shrink, over think/panic, try too hard and end up ruining it before it even gets anywhere.
If I really think about it I’m too lazy for relationships, too wrapped up in my own world to have the strength to tend to the feelings of another individual. In a way I think some mental illnesses like eating disorders and body image issues etc tend to celebrate narcissism, I am the only person I think of from morning till I lay my head on my pillow at night. Days are just spent being preoccupied with me me me, mostly criticising myself but the fact still remains is that the obsession with the self is apparent.
They say be yourself when it comes to dating, I can’t do that. Obviously. I am an anxiety-ridden mess but I do have my moments when I’m completely free from everything that plagues me. The severity of my eating disorder lessens when I am distracted by the addition of another variable in my life, there is too much of me in my life and I’ve found that being in the company of the right person and bathing in their light tends to loosen the shackles of mental illness, the rest is up to me. So I can completely break free.