I met up with my friend today so we could go to a casting. I was wearing layers and layers of clothing and the moment she saw me she called me fat, she said I had gained weight. Her exact words were “omg why are you fat now”. WTF. In all fairness she didn’t say it with malice… I think, she knows nothing about my eating disorder but honestly that was a very shitty thing to say. I just laughed it off and said Noooooooo and pretended to be Unbothered but since she uttered those words I’ve been feeling awful and resentful.
I came back home and weighed myself, my weight is still the same but it doesn’t change how disgustingly big I feel now. I measured myself frantically. I’m distracted and angry. I love my friend dearly we’ve been through worse lot together these past few months but right now I really dislike her and her barrage of snide comments.
I didn’t do well at the casting because my walk was atrocious, I suddenly began to feel my bits jiggling because of what was said to me. I got in a haze and that shred of self confidence I had flew away. I starved myself tonight, I’m better than that. I’m not 14, comments like that shouldn’t sway my decisions about eating food or not eating food thereof but here I am awake at 1:30 hungry, headache-y, angry, fat and just generally exhausted. I hate people sometimes