The past two weeks I have been running on adrenaline, I felt stimulated by some indestructible force to put myself out there in the wilderness of life and take a break from me. I hung out with new people and reacquainted with estranged friends, watched live sport, conversed, engaged and laughed. I was mostly dizzy and everything was blurry because of my purging fuelled low blood pressure, I was a little withdrawn but present. I realised I had changed the moment I found myself in a stadium in the sun with my sunglasses cheering on my favourite team, a year ago or even 5 months ago my social anxiety would never have allowed me to have the audacity to go that far.
Today is the come down, it’s all over now… to be resumed but over for now and I seem to have sank into the depths again and the emotions I had carefully tucked away are oozing out with a vengeance. I’m distracted, binge-y, purge-y and done by.
I will take euphoria whenever I can get it and wherever and these days I mostly find it from challenging myself to do new things and just dive into whatever adventure seems worthwhile, granted I have no money so I ought to use the word adventure loosely. The busier I am, the tighter my schedule is, the less I loathe myself and the lesser I feel suicidal. You cannot completely erase all the despair by just keeping yourself occupied but it does help lessen the severity.