It’s almost 2am and I am in bed eating because fuck it. I am going to savour the taste of this god damn muffin, juice and chocolate. I will sleep with a swollen belly and endure the discomfort. Who is bulimia tonight and what has she ever given me in all the years that we have acquainted? Nothing but an abundance of heartache. What I have I gained from shrinking my body and abusing it in ways that words cannot even begin to explain. Being skinny hasn’t made me happy, it’s never enough.. it hasn’t given me that relationship that I thought would come if I were happy as a result of finally having control of my weight which is linked to having control of my life.
I had a date tonight and the whole day I was looking forward to it. I prepped for this date, I stopped purging for two days, wanting to look my best, I hydrated, felt lucid and somewhat disengaged from the purging part of bulimia. At around 12 the guy texted me and said that something huge at work had come up blah blah blah and that we should meet next weekend and in that moment my heart sank into my stomach. It’s like being brought to these heights only to be knocked back down again.
He was extremely apologetic and it’s not the end of the world but it just made me feel so let down because I had rearranged my whole weekend, my anxiety had for once allowed me to feel somewhat at ease, I was ready, confident and now that’s ruined. My self confidence has shrunk, I’ve lost my nerve and my mind is now riddled with doubt, hopelessness, fear and some terrifying emotion I am yet to identify. I just felt this urgent need to binge and purge, of which I did. I don’t feel better or worse, I just feel… Just?
I am scoffing chocolate as we speak, it’s this vile act of greed and sheer boredom. I just feel so let down, roaming some dreary wasteland that I only can perceive.