We grow accustomed to the dark

A while has passed since I last wrote, for the most past I have been too weary to write. Recently my life has been full of friendships, meet ups, new activities and stimulating challenges. I haven’t had enough time to sit down and be still. I haven’t had enough time to feel and to think. I am unsure if I have been numb or I’ve stopped hurting… I know I haven’t but perhaps I’ve become accustomed to the dark so much so hurt has become some sort of second skin that I have to live with.

I turned 24 two weeks ago and unlike the previous years, I did not panic or cry I simply took it as is. Perhaps weakness has left my body, I do not know. I cannot explain these emotions or lack thereof.

I have been seeing a guy, it has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. I have broken up with him more that four times, the whole relationship is marred with obstacles and a grinding halt that is certain and foreseeable. He is of a different race and religion than I am and his family would disapprove and to top that all off our whole union has been a secret and that has been wrecking havoc on my already pitiable self esteem and deadly insecurities. I do not know what to do, I break up with him and he pulls me back in with his elastic binds. He has the sweetest face I have ever seen and I am in the quicksand.

Bulimia keeps raging on and on and it is wrecking more havoc on my face, I look old and used. My skin looks and feels like elastic, I have this permanent dead eyed look in my face. My clothes are all too big so I keep rotating these few items of clothing. I am high on lethargy. This body of mine is spent, my feet seem to be saying this is it we’re done but my voracious appetite for self destruction remains unquenched.

I will make time to blog regularly like I used to, I miss how this feels. The release. I miss laying it all bare.

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4 thoughts on “We grow accustomed to the dark

  1. Keep writing. Keep laying it bare. We’re still here. This is your ol’ blog pal. Just had to change my blog. But if you read my about page, you’ll know who it is.

    You may feel consumed by all of it but remember you are doing your best and that is truly good enough. You are surviving and right now without your bulimia, you’d go under. It’s not ideal but it’s what you have until you find what it is you truly need.

    I see someone who needs to love and accept herself. I see someone who needs time and space to recover. I hear someone who needs a voice and has never been allowed one in many ways. I hear someone who suffers intolerable pain but is enduring.

    You have a Herculean strength beautiful girl and a knowing way beyond your years or lifetime ….. Xxxx

    • I knew it was you by the time I read the 5th or 6th line :). Thank you for your kind words they have been resonating in my head for a few days now. I can’t wait to catch up on your blog, the human hurricane has a nice ring to it. x

  2. I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time but it’s nice to be reading from you again. 🙂 x

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