The past 36 hours have been nothing short of confusion, panic, research and stupidity. I am still a virgin but somehow found myself in a situation where I had to be on the prowl for emergency contraception after engaging in what I can describe as escalated needless foreplay with my boyfriend. After the incident all I could do was google and more googling in the hopes of starving my paranoia but I ended up feeding it.
I felt dodgy and dirty walking into the family planning centre with no clue as who where I could acquire the EC and they pointed me to the direction of any pharmacy where I could get it without a prescription, all I could do was bow my head in shame. The hours after taking the pill I have ran the gamut of emotions, have been enduring headaches, menstrual like cramps, dizziness and to top it all off my boyfriend and I broke up yesterday but we’re still communicating all day, we have a tendency to latch on to the other and though I know that our relationship was going nowhere I hate the thought of him disappearing from my life, he has been for months now my escape. That’s all he was at first, but now I genuinely care for him.
We are not compatible, sexually. I’d rather not do any sexual things while he on the other hand sees it as the number one way in which you can get close to your partner. I am not ready, he was respectful of it at first and then he kept pushing and persisting and I gave in to doing some things in the name of “keeping an open mind” “give and take” but in any sexual situation one does whatever it is with enthusiasm, I did it grudgingly and counted the minutes until it was over because I just wanted to be in his glorious presence. That’s not how it works though, I’ve learnt that.
He made a mockery of my no sex before marriage belief, wore me out by quizzing me why I didn’t want to perfom certain acts and always… always my answer would be met with another question and then I would be asked the same question a day later as though my life long opinion on abstinentance would change overnight.
He is not a bad guy, far from it. He has qualities I adore and a face so captivating. His aura bleeds something amazing and genuine. It’s just that what we value in relationships is so different and it just bothers me that he didn’t care enough to wait until I was ready so he placed these ultimatums and I felt unappreciated.
It’s over now, we’ve done this break up dance before but I feel this time it’s final. It’s not alright but I’ll be alright.