January 

​January 2016: The early days 

I am acutely taken with this guy, he has the most perfect face, bright hazel eyes which have this calming effect. His eyebrows, his scent and the way he utters words so softly. He is a man but he is delicate, like I said. I am acutely taken.

We have been seeing each other for months, I just realised that I might be in love with him but our union is fraught with so many stifling obstacles. He is of a different race, religion and culture. We don’t ”belong” together but we somehow make it work. Our relationship has to be on the down low, I agree to it because it’s thrilling, at least at this point. We have certain places we go and certain places we avoid. I don’t feel weird about it or ashamed, a relationship is for two right. Who cares about meeting family and friends or nauseating filtered to oblivion couple pics on the instagram. I don’t mind. 

I ask him if race has anything to do with it, he reassures me that it’s really a religious thing and that has nothing to do with the secret nature of the relationship. I am not offended, I am irreligious anyway. We carry on.

I stay out late now, we hang out 5 days a week after he finishes work, and I’m still unemployed. We are both rather innocent, we don’t drink so we just chill under the stars and make out. It’s still innocent, for now. The pressure to have sex from his end is dying down, the desire to isn’t there, there are no expectations of such a big bad step. I am still a virgin and indifferent towards that aspect.

It’s a cool summer night, I’m sitting on his lap and thinking, this is going great. I still experience episodes of discomfort and feel stupid and unworthy over the secret nature of our relationship but I know he cares deeply about me, there is nobody else in his life, it’s fine. He is completely honest and kind, I know the deal. We are young right? 

We sit there, me, him and his close friend. He whispers in my ear that he is thinking of moving overseas. I go blank. He mentions in a nonchalant manner which I find vaguely insulting. 

I have massive panic attacks in the days following up the disclosing of this unfortunate news.  Its not all about him, the reason I am in this poor state; its everything. He  tells me he leaves in 7 weeks. It finally dawns on me, the transient nature of this union but I can’t leave him.I should because..  What’s the point, however, I’m hell bent on “making memories” he is too. Obviously. 

I ruminate endlessly, the decison to be with or without. Without the pain is unbearable. I stay but I feel uneasy. Wrong but right. I haven’t been able to find my footing since.

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