~4 April 2016
I ran so far away from home, I ended up lost in plain view, the wilderness in my own tangled up thoughts that has become my world. This frenzied flee from all that is constant, the greatest search for something that I do not think I will ever find.
I thought I could ride the wave but instead, I found myself engulfed by these gothic waters, I need to come up for air, I do not know how, I lack the resources and all I can see is white and deafening static. I cannot even begin to imagine how I ended up here. It’s like a switch flipped, a stone rolled off a precipitous cliff, the lip of that edge disintegrated and I fell into the gorge and the more I kept fighting myself, the bottom of these deptha were pulled from underneath me.
He is pain, the guy I am in love with, the one who took my innocence. He is pain, he is tenderness, light and love. I have been cocooned in his sublime presence. He has these hazel eyes that glimmer in the daylight, they grow bigger when he talks passionately about a subject and I feel as though I am about to depart this life, sheer perfection. He possesses this tenderness in the way he moves and talks. A delicate man. He is mine.
All good things they come to an end. He is moving in a month. What I do, what will I become. I have stopped running, I am stagnant and ruined. All the goodness in me has been drained out, I am just like the rest. I feel like calling it quits, ending it, the thought of reaching the very end being abandoned sends me into an anxious, heartbroken, desperate hell hole, I can’t even begin to describe it.
I ignored the large neon signs and trampled on them as I sprinted towards a hint of light only to get there to find nothing but the depletion of my own sanity. My body aches, chills and heat moves throughout my body, these maddening sensations, this hopelessness that brings me to my knees.
I do not know where to run now, I have nothing at my disposal. The purging has lost all it’s glory because instead that euphoria that used to make me feel better as I kneeled to the porcelain God, now it makes me feel like death. A single purge and my vision gets blurry, I lose my ability to think straight and it fuels the anxiety. I have been purging non stop though, creature of habit.
I look 35.
I feel fine one moment and then the next moment my whole world cracks into a thousand pieces, writing is how at present I am able to temporarily piece it all together to create a mosaic of pain, fervour, love, hopelessness and everything in between.
I do not need him because he is pain but I need him because even though he is the provider of pain, not intentionally. He is love and I am trying not to need him. I need to stop purging and be clear headed and present for what’s to come.