The days are running sleepless and fluid, bleeding into each other. We have established a routine, it feels amazing, I feel so awakened by this connection I am building with him. This oneness and uniqueness. I am part of something for two. It’s ours, him and I. I am impressed by the fight in him, to resolve matters. Our time together is limited, he however, handles everything with such persistence and care. I am shown… character.
The nights under stars and surrounded by Orange lights are still a staple, his warm breath.. My favourite. His boyish behaviour, munching on sweets and playing video games on his phone..I watch in pure unaldurated adoration. We talk, we laugh. We live.
Down the middle of March, things are starting to take a weird turn. These fetishes are coming into light, I am left with concerns. I am reassured time and time again but still somehow it’s not enough. I always end up right back there. Insecure, with reason. Uncertain. Dumbfounded. But mostly disrespected and not valued. I tell myself it will be fine, it’s a phase as long as we keep it in fantasy it will be fine but the more I entertain it the bigger and hungrier he gets. Pushing of the envelope. I can’t win, all these compromises.
The fact that he is leaving is still looming my head. Every waking moment. I get these sensations under my skin whenever it is discussed… this burning freezing sensation in my hands and my neck. It’s instantaneous the moment he mentions the leaving. My stomach drops and twists, something profound catches and sits heavy on my throat. This is who I am now.
I cry in the middle of the night, I wake up from my slumber and remember what is to come. I vividly remember this one dark, cold rainy night, I woke up in and the emptiness in my chest was more chilling than it was outside. Unshakeable burden. In that very moment I climbed back into bed, he texted me out the blue as he could not sleep for some reason as well and I swear to God, I felt my being warm up and my soul began to beam. He is the provider of pain in the way the reality of his departure saddens me so, however he is the rearranger of my displaced fragments in the way his presence colours my world in hues I chose to bathe in.
It nevers stops. The anxiety. Him…. leaving. To this very day. I still get the sensations. I call them freezing mercury.