All hell breaks loose. The very fabric of all the reasons why I stayed in this relationship is torn beyond repair. The relationship is kept a secret because of cultural reasons, I decide to stay because even though the circumstances are unfavourable he loves me, and I love him too. Just because something won’t last forever doesn’t make it less important. He is still leaving for good but God dammint we are going to enjoy us until the very end.
I doubt the authenticity of his love for me. I am a very sceptical person, I guard my heart, always but this time. I choose to trust. Completely. Somehow, my mind cannot rest easy. I need to know. So ask I him, point blank. When you said you love me. Did you mean it. He doesn’t stutter or try to sugar coat it in further bullshit. He tells me at that point when I told you I love you, I cannot say it was love at that point, however, I really liked you a lot but you kept placing an emphasis on love before we have sex so I felt pressured to say it.
Bottom line, he took my virginity and I gave it to him under false declarations of love… at least on his end. I know. That particular story and situation is as old as the hills, I should know better but the fact is, for the first time in my life, I let go and trusted and that was I got as a result. I felt bitter after the shock has worn off. I do not know who is he is anymore, did I ever. He says he loves me now. I don’t know whether to cry or really cry.
I never see him in the same light again. Something died that night, that week.
I crawl back into his smothering embrace, despite all this, I still love him, dearly. I never stopped. Why is he some kind of life raft. Is mental illness manifesting itself in strange ways. Why do I have such an abundance of love to give to this man.I even dare to imagine and hope that maybe I can love him so ardently to the point of him wanting to fight his cultural systems, break barriers and fight for us. Fight for me.
I can change him, if I love him hard enough, if I forgive him more easily , if I compromise and tolerate more. I have this notion, this picture in my head of that amazing woman who stands by her man and never complains, never demands, satisfied with the bare minimum, avoiding unnecessary conflict, adore and compliment. I exude these qualities and more. I have this warped idea in my head that, this is the quintessence of a strong woman. A strong woman in love. I am gravely mistaken. I am settling.
Its actually idyllic being with him, if I numb myself to certain disturbing aspects and ignore giant red flags and my raging parents. As crazy as it sounds. I know he cares about me and enjoys my company, the conversations and everything we share, a person can never feign enthusiasm like that. He makes time for me, he sacrifices. I can feel him with me. It is just that I am so wounded by the fact that for months I lived a lie and I was played for a fool.
I begin falling out of, just as he is starting to fall in.