The more I sink deeper into this more profound and incredibly dramatic descent and farther into my own personal hell, I have lost the ability to leave the house. Home is the best place for my pity, I cant find employment and everything outside is irrelevant to the state of current affairs in my head and life. Dim the sun. I know it’s not healthy, my depression has a sense of ownership of this house and the only way I can divest that ownership is through taking brief walks.
I took a walk today, one of my twice or thrice a week mini reprieves. Since I broke up with him I have gone on these walks and walking the same path, each day as I have walked past a familiar tree, a shrub, a wall. I have found myself stronger than the day before. Still mournful but I have felt my emotions become more aligned.. perfectly arranged upheaveal. Today was different, I felt everything and nothing in its purest form. It sank in finally, the bright sun blinding me I stopped and felt nothing. It finally sank in, this is the reality and I cannot change it and in that moment I thought to myself. This is how it goes and I accepted it.
I cry all day. I cry and binge and purge. I have gained weight, my face is fuller but I don’t mind. I don’t care. I am no longer as strict with my restriction and purging. Sometimes I feed my brain and don’t purge, most of the times I engage in mindful bingeing and purging for the whole day. My eyes are permanently baggy. Bulimia and its effects don’t at all concern me, I don’t lay awake at night thinking about my ED anymore. The ED thoughts have been replaced by equally dark or more darker thoughts, I can’t decide which is which.
Sometimes I take a deep breath and say I give up and that momentary feeling is relieving beyond how I could ever describe it but I still have desire in me.
I am alone tonight and it feels peaceful. I need this solitude, its perfect. I keep cancellIing plans with friends, I cant shake it offf. I have uninstalled whatsapp from my phone, merely opening the app and being inudiated with a barrage of messages has been giving me this sense of terror, I feel as though I am encircled my wolves.I have become the epitome of antisocial, I wish I could converse about mundane every day life scenarios. I cannot or rather do not want to answer what I’m up to tonight and then ask them what they are up to as well, the ol dance of useless chatter. Please stop inviting me to things. Just stop. I want to be left completely and utterly alone.
I’m sorry, please understand.