The emotions have been violent.
On Friday morning I woke up clasping a towel dampened by the tears I had shed all night long. It started on Thursday night when the reality of him leaving finally sank in. I do not know why my feelings for this man are so complex. I should hate him but I don’t. I never will. He never promised me a rose garden anyway. I don’t know what any of this means. I just know that I took care of his heart more tenderly than I did my own.
Heartbreak is something you carry with you everyday. It is that sting when you are sipping your coffee, it slips itself in the middle of conversation. Just when you think you are getting better. It’s always round the corner. Waiting.
I can live without him, all of this is exacerbated by the fact that he got to leave. To go to some other country, a new environment and a better life. This break up is probably easy on him that it is on me. I am stuck here, suicial, deppresed, broke, breathing through corrupted lungs and he is busy catching flights free as a bird. For almost 7 years my dream has always been to go overseas but finances have not been on my side. He gets to live my dream in the process and that hurts more than words can describe. If that makes me petty or jealous then so be it but I am drowning and wasting away here and he gets to flourish overseas? I am fucking angry.
Friday I was still reeling in the aftermath and I lied that I had cramps to a dear friend whom I was supposed to be meeting. I felt terrible but I know her boyfriend would have popped by and I would have had to endure seeing them together and I am too fragile to be dealing with that right now. I am a terrible person these days. I am selfish too. Sometimes though, you have to take care of yourself first.
Yesterday I was in a bus filled with happy loud fellow models and I was in the back seat dying and pondering. That scene in the movie with the camera zooming in on the girl who is miles away from the people around her. Lost in the crowd. Everything was white noise, the sun blinding me.