I start realising that maybe this relationship is something that is not helping me grow as a woman, it is not nourishing my soul in the way a relationship should. It gives but also drains in tandem. Sure, we have fun, we are meshing into each other’s patterns, he makes me laugh and he is now showing me his vulnerable side, he is sharing more, I feel connected to every part of him but at the very end of the day, this transiency, this secret nature of the relationship makes me feel somewhat second class, like some exotic fun time before his mother finds him a perfect bride. All I will have is the story.
I am a plant that needs watering, we all are. He waters me on the surface, floods me infact but it’s all doused in consequence. I need to be watered from the root upwards, in essence I do not feel whole in this. I have to leave him.
Towards the middle of May, I break up with him after I find out he had been deceitful when he said he loved me months ago, I gave him my virginity under falsehoods but he says that now he did end up falling in love with me. I never trust a word he says after this. I am still madly in love with him so I take him back and we continue, he tries by all means to atone.
June comes round, because of certain religious issues we cannot meet as often but he even sacrifices just so he can see me. At this point I know he values my company and what we have. We are making the most of the little time we have together. We are even going out in public but I know I have to leave him.
He had these fetishes that left me feeling like a sex object and I thought he would tire of it after a while but he did not. We do things for the people we love, I wanted to please and make him happy because I could never deny that man anything but this fetish left me feeling like trash, not valued or respected. Degraded.
It was this side of him that I did not understand and in the end I could not separate the guy he was and this unsettling side of him.
He was blind sided because he thought things were going great and that we would carry on until he departed the country but I could not go ONE MORE DAY with him and his fetishes.