When you actually start to believe that you are coming to terms with fact that you can live without communicating with someone, ever. Just when you think the song has come to a crashing end, and that it is OK. He texts you, Hey. And in that moment you feel overjoyed, shocked, content as though that Hey was some kind of salvation, But you know nothing has changed and nothing more than what this is will ever come out of this. Ever. The high will simmer down into a low and I will have to sew myself back together again. Why am I like this.
If you suffer from depression and someone comes into your life and makes you feel whole by filling in the void and takes that hopelessness away, becomes the reason you smile and keep fighting the fight, are your feelings for this person inflated to be more than they really are? Perhaps, I don’t know. I just know that loving and being with him was the most profound experience of my life so far. It has been too much to bear. Some things eat away at you, this, devoured me whole.
I still feel that sensation of heat beneath my skin when we talk and the fact that he is never coming back seeps into conversation. Parts of me die.
I’ll keep writing about this until there is nothing left to say. The ego says what is wrong with you? let it go already, he didn’t deserve you, you’re better off. That may be true but why can’t I stop thinking about it and crying in the bus. I was someone before I met him. Why do I feel as though I have lost something so fundamentally supportive to my existence?