Nightmares, Solitude, Friends 

​Last night I knew that I was going to have trouble sleeping so I took some codeine and I drifted off to sleep whilst listening to some music and it was so beautiful to slip away like that, unruffled.

It was unfortunate I had an episode of sleep paralysis somewhere around 2am. I saw a faint shadow above me and I tried to move but I was frozen. I drifted back to sleep but I had another nightmare, crazy eerie events were unfolding and I could not take it anymore so I got up and switched my bedroom light on and the next thing I remember is my mother waking me up in the morning to inform me she was going to work.

The day was spent in complete solitude, since Tuesday night my phone has been on airplane mode for the majority of the time. These are all my attempts to avoid the obligation of responding to friends, replies to nonsensical things which would be amusing and fun if I were not in this state. Texts from guys who have been wanting to date me for months because I seem like such a nice girl.  At present I have no desire to date or start a new romance. MY GOD!  The exhausting stage of getting to know a guy, the wondering of what their true intentions are, the ego games. Who needs that drivel.

Tuesday afternoon I confided in a friend about my depression, very uncharacteristic of me as I never discuss that issue with anyone nevermind the depth of it. I confided in her and she told me that it is just a “phase” and then she stopped responding to my texts. Fair enough, not everyone knows how to approach these discussions, it’s not like I was expecting this grand response that would solidify the severity and legitimacy of my sorry state but I felt my illness was tossed aside and dealt with in such a nonchalant manner, I regret even telling her. I feel exposed.

This other guy friend of mine who is more sensitised to my illness is always checking up on me, I appreciate this amazing human being however, he does ask me how I am everyday and confronting that question always evokes these feelings inside me and I am left questioning how am I doing really?  It always ends up with that tingly feeling in my nose, a warning for the tears to come. 

I thank God I have this blog. Writing on here were it is safe and supportive is something that has been instrumental in preserving my sanity. 


2 thoughts on “Nightmares, Solitude, Friends 

  1. Ah, the friend who asks for the truth and then can’t handle what you tell them. Harsh but please, her issue not yours although I am too aware of the exposure you are feeling.

    Let the tears come. Because after every proper cry is a period of relief/numbness and it’s actually a less painful place. Just like after post purge. Maybe you should cry more. I understand the crying block, I truly do but sometimes just allowing ourselves to feel is permission to accept that THIS hurts.

    I’m with you on leaving any relationship alone right now. It’s simply exchanging one set of bollocks for another and you need that like a hole in your head at this point.

    We’re here. We won’t turn off the wi-Fi. Your depression doesn’t make us feel anything but empathy. Keep writing dear Flower xxx

    • Ahh you are the sweetest ☺. The numb/relief stage is when you have your sight on shore after being submerged awhile it still hurts then but it gets easier. Cheers for the thoughtful comment xx

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