Just another day spent on the edge of collapse. Literally. I can’t stop having numerous mini binges and purges throughout the day. The thing is I now can feel hunger, the sensation is no longer foreign to me. The hunger is intense and crippling. At first this was perculiar and thought for weeks I was pregnant. I am not. My body has had enough of this starvation bullshit. I am so sick of this secrecy and seeing this drained, frail, hollow eyed person in the mirror. I am not afraid to gain weight anymore, I can’t believe I put my whole family through hell all these years. I want to eat and keep it down and be happy.
I crave, feel hungry and eat but my problem like all bulimics and binge eating sufferers, is the will power to stop. To stop eating for the love of the good lord. I get it in my head that I can simply eat more then purge and then eat again because yes I have an eating disorder but I also love food, a glutton. I have always been since birth.
Today I did not purge but I did stuff my face with a takeaway and I enjoyed every minute of it. I had dessert too and I am incredibly now hungry now. It feels as though my soul is starving.