It’s night 3 in this foreign land. Tonight, I don’t feel well. Parts of me still think I am home but when I look outside and walk these pavements and look up at these bright fucking lights, I am reminded that I am so far from home and no matter how homesick I get, I have to toughen up. There is no option.
When I got here, my emotions were still blocked. 3 planes, Culture shock. Nobody could pick me up from the airport and I had to navigate my way at night. When I got here and I was so underwhelmed by what I saw and the place I would be living in. I deflated and felt like I was imposing. I felt this instant regret and I realised the magnitude of the decision I had made. He then called me, my boyfriend or whatever I can call him now, he called and we spoke for almost an hour and that calmed me tremendously. He is the antidote. The next day we skyped constantly and then this morning we spoke for an hour. Today he was busy and could not talk and then we had a fight, I sunk to these depths… Jesus fucking Christmas. Why.
I am in this tiny bedroom, sleeping on a mattress without a base. I have enough money to go on for a while but I need a job soon. The girl I am living with came to grab me so me, her and her former dodgy male boss could take us to dinner. This, I found vaguely weird.
The statement “a new life” used to fill me up with such joy but I find myself dreading it at the same time. How can I start a new life when parts of me are still longing and wishing for things that have long passed and will never be. That boy remained with parts of me that I will never be able to take back. I feel as though something has been drained from my spine when he is absent. Do I move forward with these gaping holes in my being and accept that this is who I am now. Is it okay. Is that how it works.