This is the day I fell apart. Unreservedly.
I woke in the morning with this feeling of emergency in my whole being. As though it was imperative to exit my body. I wanted to throw my life into the hands of another, but who… when I walk this path alone now. I had failed. Defeated by my own wild un-containable emotions. I had not eaten for days, my mouth was dry, brain foggy. My body was shutting down.
It became a matter of life and death so I left my house and got the help, I felt I needed at that point in time.
I woke up the same, churning in turmoil. The morning collapse. It sits in my arms and chest cavity, It tingles in my fingers, I think. It waits in the night and when morning comes, it awakens. There is hollow then there is this. It is wordless, really.
The way what is inhabiting my belly refuses to cease to disturb, the retracing, the what’s the use. OMG.
My soul is troubled and so is my blood.
I can feel the pain in every region of my faculties.
I feel like something is wearing my body.
I woke up with this ominous presence rising in my heart. My stomach feels as though it wants to exit my body. I want to throw up my guts. All my body can do is shake, these sensations circulate in waves throughout my body.
23:00- I finally cry. I finally eat.. something. I am trying to find the anchor in others however, I am too arrested in my sorrow, disappointment and shock.
I wake up calmer. It creeps in, the emptiness, the terror. Is it acid coursing through my veins.
I eat. I feel sick. Numb. Abandoned. Confused. Shocked.
23:16: Still calm, in fear of when the collapse rears it’s ugly head.
I woke up with impending doom sitting heavy in my core. I toss and turn. I shake. I recall.
My stomach feels as though it is eating itself. My blood is frozen. My blood is boiling. Is this madness. The emptiness sits in the pit of my stomach. It tightens and settles. Are these my bones. Is this my face. Is this. Is this. Is this. My life.
My tears are a river. My body hot and cold, I do not recognise this blood coursing through my veins. My feet are weightless. Appetite, non existent. I break down. I see him, he betrayed me.. all hope shattered even I cannot recognise myself hurling these words of hate. My hands to his face. So violent. The red on his face. The chill in my bones and the dryness of my lips. He scurries off like a boy. Crocodile tears maybe.
Alone, the chill sits in my bones. My blood betraying me, as though it is acidic coursing through my anxious veins. This is the night.. the darkness harboured in me. The night of humiliation.. dead hope, dreams. The night of disbelief.
This is the night the bottom was ripped from underneath me. Everything I built my hopes and life on shattered. My hands are weak with helplessness and this sense of emergency. I cannot contain myself. I cannot contain this nightmare.