I feel hot and cold at the same time. I am sick to my stomach and dealing with digestive issues caused by anxiety and heartbreak. It’s this nausea inducing strangeness. An ocean between us and I can feel the waters suffusing my lungs. I hate this alienation or threat thereof. So unforgiving, I am trying to move on and I can’t stop looking at his pictures and reading old message threads. I should not be doing this. I know this. I know this. I know this.
He was by no means perfect and we weren’t an obvious match but there was always something about the way he followed my blood around. The most delicate and attentive man I know. He is this kind of human that evokes wonder but in all his glory, he was spineless. Still tethered to his mother’s tits. Noble in thought, weak in action. I pity him sometimes. I love him for all he is and for what he is not but he never dared to fight for us and our relationship which wasn’t “allowed” in his system. Bullshit. He never fought for us because he didn’t want to. I did not fit the criteria. My race was all wrong, this was something I later came to find out. It was never about religion. Of course he vehemently denied this.
He tells me these things, how he wishes more than anything he could be with me forever. How he wants to wake up next to me every morning, have children and how he loves me more than I know. All these declarations, I tuck them inside this heart of mine but does it even matter, he still left. I thought he would come after me when I broke up with him. I gave him an implicit ultimatum- and that is to give me more- I no longer wanted to hide, I wanted to be with him in the eyes of all but he never flinched and I was out the door. He still kept banging down my door, in secret of course. He gives the impression of a man backed into a corner, so he can fulfil his traditional parent’s wishes and marry someone of his own kind. They would disown him he said. What a fable. Spineless.
Today is our anniversary. I was overly emotional at first now just spacey. My stomach is detached from my mouth and appetite. I can eat and enjoy but I feel sick. I used an old lotion I used to apply when we were together and that was how the landslide started this morning. I went back to our Saturday afternoons.
The emotions have been violent.
On Friday morning I woke up clasping a towel dampened by the tears I had shed all night long. It started on Thursday night when the reality of him leaving finally sank in. I do not know why my feelings for this man are so complex. I should hate him but I don’t. I never will. He never promised me a rose garden anyway. I don’t know what any of this means. I just know that I took care of his heart more tenderly than I did my own.
Heartbreak is something you carry with you everyday. It is that sting when you are sipping your coffee, it slips itself in the middle of conversation. Just when you think you are getting better. It’s always round the corner. Waiting.
I can live without him, all of this is exacerbated by the fact that he got to leave. To go to some other country, a new environment and a better life. This break up is probably easy on him that it is on me. I am stuck here, suicial, deppresed, broke, breathing through corrupted lungs and he is busy catching flights free as a bird. For almost 7 years my dream has always been to go overseas but finances have not been on my side. He gets to live my dream in the process and that hurts more than words can describe. If that makes me petty or jealous then so be it but I am drowning and wasting away here and he gets to flourish overseas? I am fucking angry.
Friday I was still reeling in the aftermath and I lied that I had cramps to a dear friend whom I was supposed to be meeting. I felt terrible but I know her boyfriend would have popped by and I would have had to endure seeing them together and I am too fragile to be dealing with that right now. I am a terrible person these days. I am selfish too. Sometimes though, you have to take care of yourself first.
Yesterday I was in a bus filled with happy loud fellow models and I was in the back seat dying and pondering. That scene in the movie with the camera zooming in on the girl who is miles away from the people around her. Lost in the crowd. Everything was white noise, the sun blinding me.
Christopher mckenney - Letting go
“Letting go”- Christopher Mckenney
The notion of letting go reverberates endlessly in my heart. I have so much to let go however, I am that type of person that clings on to every silly thing.
I am trying to let go of bulimia but the more I try to distance myself from it, the more I seem to find dirt in my finger nails from holding on to it. We are one, she and I, bound by some force. I needed her then because she seemed perfect, fitting perfectly into my life, my bright idea. I birthed a monster, the darkness that seeps from the cracks is my creation. I can’t carry her with me anymore, she is now significant and seeps into every aspect of my life, that nagging unbearable urge coursing through my veins.
Letting go – My hatred for my father which is a recurring topic on here, I have to let go of my hatred towards him, I despise him with everything that I am and all that I am not. He can’t seem to leave me alone which makes it worse, no amount of tea cups or painfully aggravating small talk could ever make up for all the turmoil he put us through growing up. He still exhibits the same abusive patterns, he is a bitter man who has such disrespect for women, an emotional abuser who thinks he is the victim never mind the knife in my back or the blood on his hands, it makes me physically ill.
I have a long way to go before I can rid myself of all these terrible afflictions and emotions, this toxic waste sitting on my lungs. I have become toxic myself, filled with so much negativity but I’m a hypocrite for not practising what I preach.
Letting go – Someday not today. Bit by bit until there is nothing left to hold on to. I guess.
It’s been quiet both in the house and my head, I have been on autopilot.. Studying, sleeping and taking copious amounts of paracetamol for an unrelenting migraine but I’m FINE. I did my crying, I never thought I’d be able to stop, got the eye bags and now it’s time to repress everything.
Monday morning was the lowest I’ve ever been this year, it was 3am and I was coming undone with nobody to talk to but I had you all, it’s not with words I can express just how much your support meant/means fellow bloggers, from the depths of my heart thank you beautiful souls.
After Monday morning’s verbal and emotional abuse horror show courtesy of my dad, that afternoon words were exchanged between dad and I after he had the nerve to ask me how my exam went, how dare he insult me by acting like he cares when we were up until all hours listening to him hurl hateful words. We yelled to the point where he threatened to beat me up, can you imagine?! All I could do was tell him he wouldn’t dare lay a finger on me but by this point I was shaking, I had to be strong so he wouldn’t see me breaking. I kept yelling standing by the kitchen door fearful if he were to come and indeed attempt to beat me up at least I’d be able to escape before he did anything. I’m glad though I did manage to get some of that rage out of my system, we haven’t spoken since and I’m more than fine with it.
The thing with broken dreams is that it hurts a little less each day but there are always those moments when you feel it all at once and your chest gets heavy and you feel like something is sitting on top of your lungs… you cry or don’t cry but the feeling is there, it’s there and it feels as though it will always remain with you.
A friend asked me today if I still was going ahead with my plans to study abroad and I just found myself aching over what never was. Last year I applied to study farther, I was supposed to study an MSc in business administration abroad, I got in and I found myself picturing this future that I thought would soon be mine but I was wrong. I thought I had found my “in” the doors had opened and I was leaving this god forsaken place but fate had other plans. The costs accumulated, tuition as an international student, accommodation, visa and a host of other items to the point that we couldn’t afford it… I refused to be selfish and put my mum through the stress of paying for more tuition when she had slaved to put me through undergrad, I myself have no money and no job and so just like that my dreams flew away.
I ended up enrolling for the programme that I am doing now which is a grad program but it isn’t an MSc but more like a gateway to an MSc this would have been avoided if I could afford the places I got into to which is why I am can’t focus fully on my studies- I was never supposed to navigate this particular curve I guess I should at least be thankful but that one ticket out of here I had gotten is gone now. It’s not too late, I could work and save up but I am so demotivated. Now is not the time to give up, what I decide right now will shape my future and whether my dreams will come true or not.. of that I’m sure. I have to find that determination buried somewhere within me.
Tonight I am not sad not happy either, just wandering around the house like a ghost. I woke up with no purpose and so my day has been without purpose as well. Unlike the past few months,this time I am trying, truly.
Today like most days I let my anger consume me because of someone who keeps asking too much of me despite the fact that I don’t owe them a damn thing, its the same scene, same dialogue, different day and the more it keeps happening the angrier I get and then my mind goes into this state and it stirs up emotional shit that I prefer would remain buried & I start to feel powerless like the battle has already been lost. Today I was beyond livid but then it hit me, I can choose how these conversations/situations affect me. I can rage and fight this person with words because that’s in my nature- being argumentative & confrontational but not I can’t do that anymore because I’m filled with so much rage I don’t know where to start if I were to start fuming & I’m tired of fighting… I’m so tired of all these wars whether I am in the crossfire or the frontline, I’m just tired.
Anyway I was saying I realised that I could choose how a certain situation affects me and from now I will try to block it out and move on. Words are just words they don’t mean anything, all the hurtful words said to me…. the snide comments and assoholic assumptions I am choosing to stop being so god damn sensitive. I know its easier said than done but for the sake of my mental well-being I need to try it. No more easily getting angry, I wish I was more like my mum she’s the most gentle person I know, she moves on and lets things go while I on the other hand have a tendency to hold on to everything bad that was ever said or done to me, holding on by fingernails when it’s clear all this shit is weighting on me and it won’t be long till I drown. Then you have people adding more load of hate and anger by the things they do… Going under.. Well not quite, I’m trying this new thing called…. I won’t take things to heart.
I don’t understand how you try to stay out of a person’s way and you make it clear they should stay out of your way too because you want nothing to do with them then you even try to be nice to them because tension is always undesirable but then the person tries to turn everyone against you by manipulating a situation.
I am so mad to the point where I don’t even feel like having a full blown confrontation but I want to cry forever, I don’t want to cry because I am hurt but because I am shocked by how some people don’t have a heart, I have been through a lot… I am trying to keep my head above the water… working hard, minding my own business, trying to catch a break and yet this person is sending turmoil my way by uttering a couple a lies and absurd trivial issues that should not be my concern but the matter of the fact is that I am expected to “forgive and forget” and comply to what this person is saying I should do because “it’s expected of me”.
When does all of this end, if it ever ends. I can’t relax… Music helps to calm me down there are hundreds of songs in this laptop but I can’t find a single one I want to listen to.